Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up like my dad. At 49, his only friend gone to Colorado or some equally ridiculous place, he's just a lonely guy. I don't want to be a lonely woman. Even though he has a family that loves him and a job that he's been at for decades, life without friends is still pretty lonesome. I'm a lot like my dad in the sense that I'm a bit closed off, and I have trouble taking some things seriously. I hope that doesn't cause me to be alone. Being alone sometimes feels like a gift, but the nagging feeling of someday being friendless is devastating. I get a bad feeling in my stomach. My back spasms just that small amount more with pain. Ugh. I need to stop being depressed about the future. Puppies may be the answer. Yes, I think puppies are ALWAYS the answer.

Last night I decided to fast for a day. I read a little about Ramadan. I haven't decided to take up religion randomly, I simply thought it was a nice idea. It felt okay. I didn't eat dinner. I read Zodiac for about 4 hours or so. When I went to bed, I was very thirsty. Other than that, I was great. This morning I brought in a Clif bar just in case, but I had no plans to eat it. It was for emergencies. Unfortunately, there were muffins in the lunch room. Blueberry muffins. Sometimes a muffin constitutes as an emergency.

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams

I picked up some cheese and antipasti from DiBruno Brothers last night. One of the cheeses, Edel De Cleron, is simply amazing. I have to make sure we get this again in the future. We also got some asiago and provlone, as well as some marinated mozzerella and artichoke. Yum!

I've always done what I wanted, no matter what the outcome. I don't think I'll ever change. I'm just hardheaded like that.

Dear Dakota,

You are amazing. Everyday, you amaze me by doing something cute or clever that barely masks the vast intelligence behind those baby blues (and brown). We found you at a shelter, where all the dogs around you were barking and calling out for attention. You were so depressed, you leaned quietly against the chain-link fence hoping someone would come and pet you, to make even the worst of situations a little better. I don't know where you came from, or what happened to you in your past. Whoever lost you or gave you up, lost something so precious that I tear up just thinking of not having you in my life. We have worked so hard to get you to be the great dog you could be, and I know deep down that you are trying too. I can see it in your eyes when you sit for me when I have a treat or when we are going out for a walk. I can even see it when we try to get you to speak to us. You truly want to, but someone somewhere probably told you it was not okay, so you are not sure that you should. We want you to be happy. We want you to feel like you were meant to be with us, even if you couldn't possible understand that concept. I feel like you were meant to be with us. I have no doubts that you were there at the shelter that day just waiting for us to come get you. We will love you and care for you forever. You are such a good dog. The best dog.

Love,

Liz and Paul

The alarms went off in my building early this morning, at about 4am. Fuckers.

oi vey...

J read my horoscope at work today. It read, "That old childish desire to fit in never really goes away. The only thing is, you were completely meant to stand out!", and I nearly choked on my pretzel.

Oh journal, I've left you stranded in this dark and scary hole of the internet. Never again. Please forgive me for only coming to you when I am down. I owe you a greater debt than I could possibly repay.

Today, it is raining frogs and hogs, and it really does get me down. My horoscope tells me I'm thinking of some kind of metaphorical buried treasure, which might be the truest thing I've ever heard, though who knows what truth really is. To be honest, I think truth is like an ocean (Yes, the same ocean you threw me in a few months ago [how harsh the truth can be sometimes, even when it isn't that deep!]), and the deeper you go, the more pressure it puts on you to escape it. Some people can endure a life accepting the truths of everything to come at them, and some people break under the pressure. Perhaps that's why some people (like me) are so delusional? Maybe, but the buried treasure is so deep in that ocean I'm afraid I might not come back alive after my search.

My mom is in the hospital. She had a appendectomy. My dad has heart disease and his doctor told him he has to wear his c-pap to bed or he could die during his sleep. I'm sick as a dog and I'm alone doing laundry. Boo.

Why is it that all the men in my life are pussies? I think I'm more ballsy than any of them combined. Arg, oh well.

Ah, fuck it.

Ever feel like you could have written a song you are hearing? Or that you want to have someone listen to a song because you couldn't have said it better? Well, that's our solution to the world, ladies and 'gents. Whip it!


Crack that whip! Break your momma's back!