Why is it that all the men in my life are pussies? I think I'm more ballsy than any of them combined. Arg, oh well.

Ah, fuck it.

Ever feel like you could have written a song you are hearing? Or that you want to have someone listen to a song because you couldn't have said it better? Well, that's our solution to the world, ladies and 'gents. Whip it!


Crack that whip! Break your momma's back!

I'm sure we've all heard those motivational speeches on T.V. or in movies, or perhaps in person, telling us if we want something, we should get out and find it. I'm going to tell you all right now, that is entirely impossible most times in this world. Most times, we are usually persuaded to choose something we wouldn't have otherwise desired purely by advertising, suppression, or even forced by legal or unwritten law. So there you have it. I'm pissed off at the world for being a giant fucking hypocrite.

You make me feel so unhappy that I want you to never be happy again. And unhappy is a loose term. I would say you make me feel.. like you threw me into the deep sea and then jumped in next to me just to watch me suffer. And I'm still angry at you for not ever being around. Maybe mostly because you not being around means you are happy somewhere else. And I hate that.

Thank you.

"It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them." - Dame Rose Macaulay

phrase of the day: "blood is thicker than water, bitch!"

It has been a great weekend, so far. We got our tree, a nice 6' ish douglas fir. Put some lights on it, some pretty ornaments... I love it, it smells wonderful and makes me a warm and squishy inside. Watched a few episodes of the first season of SNL. Amazing stuff! Seriously, they really did whatever they wanted. Every episode is something else. Went to the Royal Tavern last night, had a grilled cheese with some tomato soup. Hello, yummy. Today I made some delicious chocolate chocolate hazelnut cookies. Yuuuuum.

It's snowing! Nature (goulet), you just made my life. *sigh*

Time for hot chocolate. :D

Yeah.. I'm having a bad day. Is it that obvious? Maybe if I was more obvious about who I am I wouldn't get misunderstood all the time.

And, why don't I just work overnight? I swear, I don't even have my fucking work yet today. I will not stand for this.

Blast.

I am officially dilusional. I was at Rite Aid and I smelled the deodorant. THE deodorant. What kind freak am I!?

Lately every song on the radio brings me to that place. I can barely stop thinking. Sometimes I don't even open up my eyes because I know it won't be. So stop it, Liz. Stop acting so crazy.

On second thought, let's go horseback riding. I want to feel the wind on my hair, riding through fields of high grass in the crisp air, my big scarf hiding my face from the cold. I want to go back to North Carolina, have a beer and swim in the lake. Get a little sunburnt and swim a little more to ease the burning. Maybe fly a plane. I want to get a little high and lay in the grass and stare at the stars.

Is that so much to ask!?

Saturday, saturday, saturday. You warm my heart and my senses... I'll keep dreaming of you as long as I can. Under the covers, my hair in your face. Yes, I would love to, even though I said no. Okay?

Happy fucking friday everyone. I have felt sick to my stomach ever since last night. I want to bury myself under the covers and sleep, but I won't.

I bought Paul a light for his bike and helmet and a balaclava. I am a nice girlfriend... Did that sound forced at all?

I had a major deva-vu just now, as Jen was sitting across from me at work talking to June. It's a love/hate relationship with it for me. The possibility that it's just a lousy feeling bothers the hell out of me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a prophet or a dreamer. If I was a prophet, what kind of mad dealings would I be spreading? I have been practically unconsious all day today, who knows what kind of crap I might start saying if someone handed me a microphone.

I want to go to sleep. I want my hair to be long again like it was when I was young. I want a big fluffy dog to cuddle with me on the couch. I want you to kiss me out of the blue. See, those things would make me happy. Time to get working on them.

"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness." - Robertson Davies

I pulled that little tid-bit from google quotes on my homepage, one of the best ones I've read so far. Some people say or write things that completely blow my mind. My mind has been blown. It's as though it's something that's been waiting to be said for millions of years, and 50 or so years after it's said, it's put out there, blowing peoples minds. Am I not making sense? That's because my mind is so blown, I can barely speak. Barely...

Things that are amazing today:

^my gift hanging in the closet
^cake at 9am
^my mom singing 'happy birthday' to me over the phone
^not having a very stressful day at work
^one pair of black heels with wooden soles
^one pair of patent leather mary jane pumps
^sweaters
^paul
^delicious food and drinking framboise
^relaxing

*sigh* Happy Birthday to me.

Here at work, there is a rail yard right next door. Sometimes in the early morning I can hear them sounding off when they come into the yard. It reminds me of the suburbs. Quiet moments in the car with people I love. Mirah lilting from the stereo, my icy breathe fogging the windows. Today, the trains make me want to warm myself under mountainous piles of blankets. When it comes time to turn the clock back, I'm not so sure I'll survive it. I'm not so sure about anything.

Can you believe that we are half-way through this month already? I have the beginnings of a cold right now, which I plan on conquering. I was wondering why I have been exhausted lately, and today it kicked me right in the face. The way I feel right now can only be described by the onomatopoeia 'ugh'. I would definitely consider that an onomatopoeia, by the way, for I sound the way I feel. Today, I will eat all my vegetables and drink lots of tea. Tomorrow, I will be better than ever, right?

In other news, Paul and I have put ourselves on a budget. I love this idea. I definitely need help budget-wise, and taking control of the planning is helping me understand my flaws. Though, they were pretty obvious to begin with.

Today is the beginning of the last quarter of this month. We know what that means, right? Oh yes, PMS. Let’s go. It's on.

'Twas a very good weekend. Among other things, we finished painting our living room. We had done all but one wall, and considering the time it took us to do it, you'd think it was the Great Wall of China. Our living room now feels seperate from the rest of the house, like a little nook to cuddle in, a cranny to croon in. It's painted a light purple-blue, a blue that reminds me of a cool, bright morning. The first couple of days we were in the house, I made a lamp out of a wine bottle that Paul loves (Red Bicyclette), with a dark blue lampshade. I put the lamp on a small book shelf in the corner and switched it on. I put a little flower pot with (fake) red, orange and yellow carnations practically overflowing everywhere on top of our tv, and they popped out from the walls. The room was completely different, it had a new mood. A calm and soothing mood. That was just what we needed to lure us in and keep us there. I promptly fell asleep.

Do you ever feel like howling at the moon? Tonight, I do.

I see you everywhere I want to, and I just don't like it.


Edit (unrelated):

Is it possible to fall in love with a fictional character? Lordy.