Swoon worthy, f'sho.

I did a Google image search for "swoon worthy" (because I search these things from time to time,) and found some fairly amusing images. But seriously. This guy: Vince Vaughn, with his pin striped double breasted suit with a sharp tie, fedora, vintage camera, and smirk, is seriously WTF-how-is-he-so-fucking-dreamy swoon worthy. You wanna take a picture of me? I'll let you. I'll take my shirt off too, as long as you promise to keep your photos all to yourself. Yes, you can get some of them printed in black and white and hang them around your apartment, as long as they are framed tastefully. Oh, you want to roll around in bed? Sure, I'm down. You can hang up your suit in my closet so it doesn't get wrinkled. I'll help you take it off. Yes, I have a coat rack, and you can definitely hang your hat there. Are you sure you don't want to wear it to bed? I made you a scarf. I'm happy you love it. It looks dashing with your suit and coat. Sure, I'll go ice skating with you, but only if you hold my hand. Oh, you are bad at it too?

Oh dear. I can't wait for cooler weather. Rosy cheeks, string lights, snow, suits and sweaters and knit hats and soft scarves, warm beds and cuddles.

Epic Fail!

Wow, nothing makes a girl feel better than realizing she could fail as a human being if she isn't beautiful enough. It's bad enough that this so-called "beauty race" is haunting us in media and leaking into everyday life, but to read that there is scientific data arguing that the more beautiful we are the more successful our genes/the female half of the human race will be... Well, Fuck. That's a lot of pressure! Not only that, it makes me feel pretty average knowing that there are so many beautiful women out there competing with us for the male population which has, to put it bluntly, reached a stasis of attractiveness. Which is kind of our fault, isn't it? Thankfully, the female half of the population is less shallow than the male half. Only by a little.

What will this eventually mean? Maybe in the not-too-distant future we'll have a bitchin' hot and intelligent female population and we can rule the world like crazy sexy Amazon-esque women. A girl can dream!

So...

Did anyone else have that lesson in 3rd grade health class about proper hygiene and how to shower correctly? They taught us that you should start at your head and work down to your feet. You know, wash your hair and face before you wash your body. Sometimes, I get into the shower and I'm like, "Fuck that. I'm going to start with my feet and make my way UP!" Because it's all a conspiracy, right? It totally is. They brainwashed us into thinking that was the only correct way to shower! So, I get in the shower determined to show them how wrong they are. "I'm so going to do it this time!", I always tell myself. Fuck them!

I can never bring myself to do it. Because, what if they are right? Fuck!

My dream:

Temma and I went to Sean’s house. I’m not sure why, but Sean was confused when we got there. He was wearing high-top sneakers and sweatpants with a lizard on them. That may have been why he was confused. We went inside his house and immediately started doing dishes. His mom, who was actually Ben’s mom, started telling me I need to run more often and that riding my bike was worthless. I was concerned. Temma and I left after Sean said something along the lines of, “Whatever, I do what I want” when we asked if he wanted to come out with us. We went across the street to the supermarket and wandered around. The train station was attached to the supermarket, so we decided to leave from there. The station had a set of normal stairs, a set of escalators, and a set of “dog” stairs. I assumed that the dogs had a separate car on the train, and I wanted to go to that car. Before I got to the stairs, I saw Tom and Erica. They had just gotten home from a trip and were really tired. Erica when up one set of stairs, and Tom went up another. Then, Sean appeared and was running around at the bottom of the stairs. Tom started mumbling something to me and started to run up the “normal” stairs. In a panic I ran up the “dog” stairs to see if I could catch him. I lost him, but saw a lot of dogs. When I got home, all of the power was out in my apartment. I was convinced that my years of Chemistry knowledge could help my put the power back on. My room mate came home as I was working, and I explained the situation. She did not believe me. That’s all I remember.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins

Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up like my dad. At 49, his only friend gone to Colorado or some equally ridiculous place, he's just a lonely guy. I don't want to be a lonely woman. Even though he has a family that loves him and a job that he's been at for decades, life without friends is still pretty lonesome. I'm a lot like my dad in the sense that I'm a bit closed off, and I have trouble taking some things seriously. I hope that doesn't cause me to be alone. Being alone sometimes feels like a gift, but the nagging feeling of someday being friendless is devastating. I get a bad feeling in my stomach. My back spasms just that small amount more with pain. Ugh. I need to stop being depressed about the future. Puppies may be the answer. Yes, I think puppies are ALWAYS the answer.

Last night I decided to fast for a day. I read a little about Ramadan. I haven't decided to take up religion randomly, I simply thought it was a nice idea. It felt okay. I didn't eat dinner. I read Zodiac for about 4 hours or so. When I went to bed, I was very thirsty. Other than that, I was great. This morning I brought in a Clif bar just in case, but I had no plans to eat it. It was for emergencies. Unfortunately, there were muffins in the lunch room. Blueberry muffins. Sometimes a muffin constitutes as an emergency.

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams

I picked up some cheese and antipasti from DiBruno Brothers last night. One of the cheeses, Edel De Cleron, is simply amazing. I have to make sure we get this again in the future. We also got some asiago and provlone, as well as some marinated mozzerella and artichoke. Yum!

I've always done what I wanted, no matter what the outcome. I don't think I'll ever change. I'm just hardheaded like that.

Dear Dakota,

You are amazing. Everyday, you amaze me by doing something cute or clever that barely masks the vast intelligence behind those baby blues (and brown). We found you at a shelter, where all the dogs around you were barking and calling out for attention. You were so depressed, you leaned quietly against the chain-link fence hoping someone would come and pet you, to make even the worst of situations a little better. I don't know where you came from, or what happened to you in your past. Whoever lost you or gave you up, lost something so precious that I tear up just thinking of not having you in my life. We have worked so hard to get you to be the great dog you could be, and I know deep down that you are trying too. I can see it in your eyes when you sit for me when I have a treat or when we are going out for a walk. I can even see it when we try to get you to speak to us. You truly want to, but someone somewhere probably told you it was not okay, so you are not sure that you should. We want you to be happy. We want you to feel like you were meant to be with us, even if you couldn't possible understand that concept. I feel like you were meant to be with us. I have no doubts that you were there at the shelter that day just waiting for us to come get you. We will love you and care for you forever. You are such a good dog. The best dog.

Love,

Liz and Paul

The alarms went off in my building early this morning, at about 4am. Fuckers.

oi vey...

J read my horoscope at work today. It read, "That old childish desire to fit in never really goes away. The only thing is, you were completely meant to stand out!", and I nearly choked on my pretzel.

Oh journal, I've left you stranded in this dark and scary hole of the internet. Never again. Please forgive me for only coming to you when I am down. I owe you a greater debt than I could possibly repay.

Today, it is raining frogs and hogs, and it really does get me down. My horoscope tells me I'm thinking of some kind of metaphorical buried treasure, which might be the truest thing I've ever heard, though who knows what truth really is. To be honest, I think truth is like an ocean (Yes, the same ocean you threw me in a few months ago [how harsh the truth can be sometimes, even when it isn't that deep!]), and the deeper you go, the more pressure it puts on you to escape it. Some people can endure a life accepting the truths of everything to come at them, and some people break under the pressure. Perhaps that's why some people (like me) are so delusional? Maybe, but the buried treasure is so deep in that ocean I'm afraid I might not come back alive after my search.

My mom is in the hospital. She had a appendectomy. My dad has heart disease and his doctor told him he has to wear his c-pap to bed or he could die during his sleep. I'm sick as a dog and I'm alone doing laundry. Boo.

Why is it that all the men in my life are pussies? I think I'm more ballsy than any of them combined. Arg, oh well.

Ah, fuck it.

Ever feel like you could have written a song you are hearing? Or that you want to have someone listen to a song because you couldn't have said it better? Well, that's our solution to the world, ladies and 'gents. Whip it!


Crack that whip! Break your momma's back!

I'm sure we've all heard those motivational speeches on T.V. or in movies, or perhaps in person, telling us if we want something, we should get out and find it. I'm going to tell you all right now, that is entirely impossible most times in this world. Most times, we are usually persuaded to choose something we wouldn't have otherwise desired purely by advertising, suppression, or even forced by legal or unwritten law. So there you have it. I'm pissed off at the world for being a giant fucking hypocrite.

You make me feel so unhappy that I want you to never be happy again. And unhappy is a loose term. I would say you make me feel.. like you threw me into the deep sea and then jumped in next to me just to watch me suffer. And I'm still angry at you for not ever being around. Maybe mostly because you not being around means you are happy somewhere else. And I hate that.

Thank you.

"It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them." - Dame Rose Macaulay